Envy

One of the most fascinating parts of being on a spiritual path is the sudden realization that there are aspects of my personality I was totally unaware of, that are quite suddenly revealed to me in stark relief. After I become aware of these characteristics, it's as if they were there all along and I was simply blind to their presence; I have the urge to smack myself on the forehead and say, "What a dunce!" I have come to believe, though, that this is simply the universe's way of giving me what I can handle at any particular time. As long as I keep my mind and heart open to new realizations about myself, I will continue to discover new and interesting things my entire life (and perhaps beyond, who knows?).

My most recent discovery is my propensity for envy. I knew that I sometimes coveted what others had (usually not material so much as spiritual or personal). But until a few short weeks ago, I had not realized how thoroughly envy permeated my life. Now that I am aware of it, I can see that in nearly every circumstance I tend to compare myself to others, and subtly weigh whether what they have or do is better, worse, or about the same as what I have or do. I then pass judgment on them and myself based on this evaluation.

Of course, this has not been a conscious choice; I am not this self-centered by intention. But it is now clear that this kind of thinking has to some degree or another run my life. Whenever a person is chosen for an AA position, for instance, I wonder if I could do that job, if there is a reason I would never be chosen for it, if they are up to the job...and on and on. At work, I have the tendency to compare the amount of work I am doing with how much it seems like others are doing, and evaluate all of us accordingly. When I hear of people talking about going to a party or out to dinner, I wonder why I wasn't invited, or why I can't have the kind of relationships these people seem to have. In the rooms of AA, I have heard this called, "comparing my insides with other people's outsides". It also gives my power away; if I am relying on your reinforcement to feel OK about myself, I will always come up wanting. To the degree that I do this, I am also removing God's influence from my life, because I am making your judgment and my comparison of myself to others my Higher Power.

What this is, though, is a form of bondage, and now that I can see the chains, I don't want them any more; they are too heavy, and hurt both me and others. What the Buddha taught is that the antidote to envy is mudita, or sympathetic joy. The basic premise in all of Buddhism is that we are intertwined and the idea of separation between us is illusory. Therefore, when any one of us is harmed, we are all harmed, and when any one of us is given gifts (safety, happiness, wholeness, happy events), then all of us benefit. On a more individual basis, what I have begun to discover is that the simple act of refusing to give in to that initial impulse to envy is enormously freeing, that I can merely make the choice not to compare, but to listen with a full and open heart to whatever is being said, or see whatever is being done without judgment. I compare it to popping soap bubbles—the envy arises, I poke it with awareness, and it dissipates.

This is the road to joy, which I believe to be the root aspiration of both the Buddhist and the recovery spiritual paths. When I drop the story line of envy, when I can simply be in the moment without judgment or comparison, I feel a spark of freedom. Ultimately, this freedom, this joy, is what I want more of, and is why I am willing to continue to strive, to "trudge this road of happy destiny".