I have recently been ill--nothing serious, just a particularly bad version of the common cold--and during this time of illness, I became very unhappy. This prompted me to think about this thing we call happiness. How could it be so ephemeral that a mere cold can make it go away, if only temporarily? What is the nature of happiness and how does it come to be in my life?
Fear sometimes grips me when I am living in unhappiness, the fear that this state of sadness will remain with me forever. I think this fear is a flashback to my years of drunkenness, of that time when it was fairly reasonable to believe that my unhappiness would simply go on and on. And that prompts another fear which accompanies me on any descent into darkness: my fear that the present sadness will deepen into depression, which will in turn lead me to thoughts of suicide. This also is not such a remote fear, as this was often where my mind went when in the midst of my disease. Amazingly, though, it took me several days to realize that the fear of drinking has been entirely absent from my list of fears, and this has been so for many years. How easy it is for me to forget what a gift I have been given!
In my sobriety, I make a distinction between happiness and joy. When I was drinking and believed there was no Power greater than me, I felt no joy. I would occasionally be happy, but I was never joyful. To me, joy is the assurance that there is a net, so to speak, that if I fall off this seemingly slender thread of sanity there is a Power that will keep me from falling to my death in a pit of despair. Today I know this to be true, and even in my darkest moods, I feel safe and protected.
Now I am mostly recovered from my illness, and although a tinge of the unhappiness lingers, underlying it is this feeling of pure joy. I know that God is present in my life, and I treasure the presence of other sober alcoholics around me. I am also in a loving and caring relationship with my wife. My sponsor and those I sponsor are always there for me, as are my many sober friends. Do I always call them when I am blue? Well, no, but I am working on it. So many of the habits of mind from my drinking years are still with me, and this feeling of the need to be entirely self-sufficient is one of the most prominent and problematic. But the knowing that these people are here to support and sustain me is very important, even if I don't directly access them. I truly do have joy in my life, and am doing everything I can to keep it there.
